Anger & Guilt

I wish there was something, anything, I could do to make this all end. Jack was extubated this afternoon, and then 2 hours later they had to intubate him again. He has something blocking his airway making it difficult for him to breath. His stats remained stable in the beginning, and they watched him very closely. But his breathing was labored, he had strider (squeaky sound air-way, caused by some kind of blockage) and after he had one bradychardia, they decided he needed to be back on the ventilator. Breaks my heart! He is feeling much better, and not fighting the tube as much anymore, but it is still uncomfortable and there is nothing I can do. A new attending starts her rotation tomorrow, so we'll get the new course of action from her, and hopefully have some good news soon. It seems the best thing to move onto at this point is having Jack reviewed by a ENT (ear nose throat) specialist from Children's to hopefully determine the cause of his breathing difficulty and come up with a solution. The only solution we've been given at this point is time. I hate that word!

I've tried to keep myself positive in these posts. I've tried to remember where we started and how far we've come. We've always been fortunate that the babies didn't deliver at 26 weeks, that they didn't have any major health issues at birth and that they continued to be healthy for most of their NICU time. But then Maggie got sick, and if that wasn't enough, now Jack. Some days, like today, all I have left is anger and guilt. I hate that feeling! I know there isn't anyone or anything I can blame. I can't be with my babies at the same time. I know it can't be helped, and I try to remind myself of that. But it remains.

Tomorrow is a new day, a new week, a new attending and hopefully a new start and solution to help my little boy come home to us. I'm going to try and wake up with a new mind set too. I'm going to try and let the anger and guilt go again...and return to positive thinking. I have so much to be thankful for.